Ah-ha!

Today Bryan and myself had a conversation about what we each want as a career, and the type of lifestyle we would each like to lead. I realized the answer was so much more simple than I have been making it out to be. I do not need to be focused on searching for my future career, I just need to be doing the things I enjoy. When I'm involved in activities that bring me joy, my future will just sort of fall into my lap. I do not need to have it all written out. It feels like such a relief.

Today ended up being a productive and very fulfilling day. I cleaned our apartment (less clutter = less stress), watched Blade Runner, read some (Into the Wild), had insightful conversations, finished a needle point, played a couple games of chess, and indulged in a delicious bowl of fruit. I felt myself being so much more present in my day compared to any other day.

I'm also going to begin to work on creweling projects to sell on etsy! Hopefully my fingers can hold out on me :)

Spring Fever

I've been feeling very calm the past few days, very at ease. It may be because of the changes I have been working towards, or the sunshine, and climbing temperatures. Whatever it is, it can keep on coming. I've been spending less of my time glued to a screen, and more time reading, writing in my journal, or spending time with loved ones. I'd say so far it's been a wonderful start to spring (if that is what I'm starting to see outside!). My dad told me Tuesday afternoon that he thinks this year is going to be a great year for Bryan and myself. I can't help but believe him. It feels so much better to have an open mind, and not think of things as good or bad. Some things just happen, and instead of complaining about them, I'm learning to accept them, and change the things that make me unhappy.

I've also been working on going through all of our belongings and figuring out what to keep, donate, and what is garbage. I've only gone through two closets, and one book shelf and I have two boxes of donations. It feels good to start to get some of the clutter out of my life.  

A long overdue vent from a nearly two year hiatus.

So after two years where do I even begin? I am trying to learn to feel gratitude for the simple things, enjoy the moment, and not stress about what my future will hold. The past few months I have been working towards developing a healthier lifestyle, and focusing on what my body and mind are craving. It has not been easy, but it is not something I can give up on at this point. I do feel proud of myself for the positive changes that I have made, but I cannot help but focus on what else I need to work on.

My food and beverage intake has changed in a tremendous way. I cannot lie and say that I did this with the goal to better my life, I did this because my health was desperately begging me to change my habits. However, after only a few days on my new (and strict) diet I was dedicated to the goal of bettering myself. After my first trip to the doctor I received a list of foods and beverages I must now avoid, and I was mortified. Cut out chocolate? Cheese? Alcohol? I was convinced I would not be able to do this, but I am proud of myself each day I make it through without cheating. I cannot say I follow it perfectly, I'll have a glass of wine, a beer, or a piece of chocolate occasionally, however my body does not agree with me when I do. My body still does not function as it should regardless of how naturally I eat, but I feel a better sense of clarity. I think that alone is worth the change.

Lately I have been going through what is probably considered the typical early 20's questioning of "what do I want to do with my life?" Despite this being potentially typical, I have really been struggling. I have found myself breaking down more times than not, and just feeling at a complete lost. At this point I'm still unsure of what I'm going to school for. Don't get me wrong, I love children and the way that I feel when I'm around them, but I'm unsure that working with them in a school setting is what I want to do. I feel somewhat ashamed to admit that I chose my career path to simply be able to tell people something I was working towards. I got tired of the looks I would get from people when I told them I still do not know what I am meant to do. I was also guilty of comparing myself to others my age, who I felt had accomplished so much more than I had. I sometimes feel like I simply do not have time to figure out where I see myself because I am busy doing things to put others minds at ease instead of my own. I know that this is something I can no longer do, because at the end of the day I have to be proud of myself.

And to be even more of a typical twenty something, when I do try and look into my future all I see is my desire to travel, and explore new places and people. I want to do this, of course, with the love of my life, Bryan, by my side.

So yes, to answer your questioning, I do not know where I see myself in five years, or even tomorrow. All I know is that I want to continue to better myself, and open myself up to new experiences. And hopefully when my anxiety subsides and I reach true happiness, my body will be at ease and I will physically feel better.