A long overdue vent from a nearly two year hiatus.

So after two years where do I even begin? I am trying to learn to feel gratitude for the simple things, enjoy the moment, and not stress about what my future will hold. The past few months I have been working towards developing a healthier lifestyle, and focusing on what my body and mind are craving. It has not been easy, but it is not something I can give up on at this point. I do feel proud of myself for the positive changes that I have made, but I cannot help but focus on what else I need to work on.

My food and beverage intake has changed in a tremendous way. I cannot lie and say that I did this with the goal to better my life, I did this because my health was desperately begging me to change my habits. However, after only a few days on my new (and strict) diet I was dedicated to the goal of bettering myself. After my first trip to the doctor I received a list of foods and beverages I must now avoid, and I was mortified. Cut out chocolate? Cheese? Alcohol? I was convinced I would not be able to do this, but I am proud of myself each day I make it through without cheating. I cannot say I follow it perfectly, I'll have a glass of wine, a beer, or a piece of chocolate occasionally, however my body does not agree with me when I do. My body still does not function as it should regardless of how naturally I eat, but I feel a better sense of clarity. I think that alone is worth the change.

Lately I have been going through what is probably considered the typical early 20's questioning of "what do I want to do with my life?" Despite this being potentially typical, I have really been struggling. I have found myself breaking down more times than not, and just feeling at a complete lost. At this point I'm still unsure of what I'm going to school for. Don't get me wrong, I love children and the way that I feel when I'm around them, but I'm unsure that working with them in a school setting is what I want to do. I feel somewhat ashamed to admit that I chose my career path to simply be able to tell people something I was working towards. I got tired of the looks I would get from people when I told them I still do not know what I am meant to do. I was also guilty of comparing myself to others my age, who I felt had accomplished so much more than I had. I sometimes feel like I simply do not have time to figure out where I see myself because I am busy doing things to put others minds at ease instead of my own. I know that this is something I can no longer do, because at the end of the day I have to be proud of myself.

And to be even more of a typical twenty something, when I do try and look into my future all I see is my desire to travel, and explore new places and people. I want to do this, of course, with the love of my life, Bryan, by my side.

So yes, to answer your questioning, I do not know where I see myself in five years, or even tomorrow. All I know is that I want to continue to better myself, and open myself up to new experiences. And hopefully when my anxiety subsides and I reach true happiness, my body will be at ease and I will physically feel better.